Research shows that children of divorce suffer a sense of loss and that loss can be shown in many different feeling and many different ways, depending on the age and personality of the child(ren) as well as how the parents handle the divorce process and life after the divorce.
The effects of divorce on children can be noticed in how young children can go back into habits like toilet training, excessive sleeping or throwing tantrums. While school going children and teens may show signs of depression, rebellion and/or change eating or sleeping habits. Parents can take an active role in easing a child’s pain and reducing negative feelings and behaviors. A few ways are by:
Parents being cooperative and trying to keep conflict to a minimum.
Repeatedly reassuring your child(ren) that you both love him/her and clarify that they are in no way the cause for the divorce; and it is in no way their fault.
Parents can also provide their child(ren) with practical information such as who will be driving them to and from school.
For the above points to have a positive effect it is important that each parent try and do the following:
Do not vent – a parent should not have an outburst as to how upset their spouse or ex-spouse has made them and do such in front of their children. This will have a negative effect on the children. However, sharing ones feelings about the divorce and how it brings stress and such negative emotions can be positive and encouraging to the children as they will feel inclined to share their emotions with their parents and this also may help the child lose some of their fear and anger created by the divorce. Whereas stone-walling will cause the child to internalize their emotions and the child(ren) will find an outlet to vent their emotions.
Do not drag the child(ren) into it – this is especially true for children who are teenagers or adults. This can happen where a parent decides to confide in their children about the intricate details of the divorce or leaning on them for support during the divorce. This will have a negative effect on the child and his/her relationship with the other parent. Other parents go so far as to try and use their children as negotiators in the divorce; such roles must be left to mediators or lawyers who are qualified for such roles. Parents must address issues with their ex-spouses directly and refrain from using their child(ren) as messengers or sounding boards.
Do not express bitterness towards your ex-spouse – instead a parent must continue to support and encourage a relationship between the child and parent. The parent must bear in mind that it is in the child(ren)’s best interest to have both parents taking part in parenting them and in their lives.
Establish new traditions – depending on the child support Attorney General in Houston, Texas ruling on child custody, visitations and holidays; establish new traditions for celebrations and holidays and look for fun activities to relieve stress and encourage building and rebuilding relationships.
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